Bad News

It has taken me a while to post this, mainly because I have been at a loss for words and just so down.  I guess starting at the beginning is the best place to start. 
WARNING This could become graphic for some so please don't continue if you think you can't tolerate that sort of thing.

Wednesday afternoon I was with one of my friends going to get our hair and eyebrows done.  While we were in there I felt something gush and just had a sinking feeling.  I went to the bathroom and sure enough there was a clot of blood.  I freaked and went to the car and called my clinic.  She calmed me down and said some bleeding was normal with all the different types of meds that I am on.  An hour later, I was passing huge clots and knew that it wasn't right.  I called the clinic and let them know.  They wanted me to go to my monitoring OBs office.  My husband is a police officer and was on duty.  Not to mention that I had my daughter with me and the boys were about to get out of school.  I thought I would have an anxiety attack.  My husband rushed home as soon as I told him what was going on.  I honestly dont think he realized how bad the situation was at this point.  We got my parents to get the boys from school and took the baby to them and headed for the doctor.  We pulled in the parking lot and I was so nervous.  I stood up out of the car and took about two steps.  I felt a huge gush come out of me.  Blood was pooring through my double layered pants and down my legs.  It was more blood than I had ever seen and I've had three children!  The look on my husbands face told me that he was scared too.  He usually doesn't get scared. He would never admitt that he was either!  It was obvious that I couldn't walk anywhere, so I got in the car and called the doctors office.  They told me to go strait to the ER.  Luckily the ER is the building right beside my doctor's office.  DH raced me over there and they grabbed a wheelchair for me.  Everything was such a daze.  I barely remember registering in the hospital or even waiting on a room.  The next thing I remember was having a freak out moment when my husband moved me from the wheelchair to the hospital bed.  There was just so much blood.  I am blessed to have the wonderful man I have because he took such good care of me in the ER.  He helped the nurses get me undressed and into a hospital gown.  He changed the bed pads and checked on my bleeding the whole time.  He asked the questions that I just couldnt ask.  he called our IPs, which I know was hard, and informed my family what was going on.  The ER doctor brought in a portable ultrasound machine to the room.  He could not see well on it so he ordered an ultrasound to be done in the lab by the techs that usually do them.  At this point I had to ask for something for the pain.  The bleeding was not slowing down.  I was worried I was going to have to have a transfusion.  They wheeled me to the ultrasound lab and did a vaginal ultrasound.  The tech hurt me so bad, even on morphine.  I don't even know what she saw.  I heard them say something about two sacs, but was so out of it I didn't process it then.  My labs came back that my HCG was still high, however that is common in a miscarriage in the beginning and with the possibility of twins that number didn't mean much.
I waited for a few hours while the bleeding slowed a little.  My doctor came in to see me.  He told me it was a possible miscarriage, but he still wanted to err on the side of caution because of the possibility of twins and because it was such an early stage in pregnancy.  (6 weeks, 1 day)  He wanted me to have labs drawn the next day and to come see him to check on the bleeding.  My husband took me home that night and I just went right to bed.
The next day we went back to the doctor and had labs drawn and they did another ultrasound.  It did look like there were two sacs, but it was clear they weren't at the stage they should be at 6 weeks, 2 days.  There should have been at least a fetal pole, and in most cases a heartbeat at this stage.  Neither sac showed that.  To me that was confirmation enough, but the doctor wanted to follow up with labs on Monday.  He took me out of work until that appointment and told me just to rest.  I was to continue my meds until told otherwise.  I went through the weekend a zombie mostly.  I just was numb.  I knew my IM was very upset and I felt like I failed them.
Monday's appointment came and the numbers fail way down, which meant miscarriage for sure.  I thought the doctor might suggest a D&C but he didn't.  He told me just to come back in two weeks for a followup.  I am still a little down, but I guess I knew that this was a risk going into this.  I just didn't think it would happen to me.  Afterall I've had three healthy children.  I keep telling myself what I know is facts, that IVF is called a crapshoot for a reason.  My body isn't naturally getting pregnant, so it's of course going to try and reject something foreign.  My OB told me that 60 percent of these pregnancies end in miscarriage.  That is a pretty high statistic.
Moving forward... the goal now is for me just to rest and get back to my normal self.  The doctors would like me to have a normal menstrual cycle  before we try to proceed again.  They say there is no reason why we shouldn't try again, so I feel okay with it.  I know many people would probably give up now, but I just feel like this is going to work.  For now we are all just taking a breather and waiting.