Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Bad News

It has taken me a while to post this, mainly because I have been at a loss for words and just so down.  I guess starting at the beginning is the best place to start. 
WARNING This could become graphic for some so please don't continue if you think you can't tolerate that sort of thing.

Wednesday afternoon I was with one of my friends going to get our hair and eyebrows done.  While we were in there I felt something gush and just had a sinking feeling.  I went to the bathroom and sure enough there was a clot of blood.  I freaked and went to the car and called my clinic.  She calmed me down and said some bleeding was normal with all the different types of meds that I am on.  An hour later, I was passing huge clots and knew that it wasn't right.  I called the clinic and let them know.  They wanted me to go to my monitoring OBs office.  My husband is a police officer and was on duty.  Not to mention that I had my daughter with me and the boys were about to get out of school.  I thought I would have an anxiety attack.  My husband rushed home as soon as I told him what was going on.  I honestly dont think he realized how bad the situation was at this point.  We got my parents to get the boys from school and took the baby to them and headed for the doctor.  We pulled in the parking lot and I was so nervous.  I stood up out of the car and took about two steps.  I felt a huge gush come out of me.  Blood was pooring through my double layered pants and down my legs.  It was more blood than I had ever seen and I've had three children!  The look on my husbands face told me that he was scared too.  He usually doesn't get scared. He would never admitt that he was either!  It was obvious that I couldn't walk anywhere, so I got in the car and called the doctors office.  They told me to go strait to the ER.  Luckily the ER is the building right beside my doctor's office.  DH raced me over there and they grabbed a wheelchair for me.  Everything was such a daze.  I barely remember registering in the hospital or even waiting on a room.  The next thing I remember was having a freak out moment when my husband moved me from the wheelchair to the hospital bed.  There was just so much blood.  I am blessed to have the wonderful man I have because he took such good care of me in the ER.  He helped the nurses get me undressed and into a hospital gown.  He changed the bed pads and checked on my bleeding the whole time.  He asked the questions that I just couldnt ask.  he called our IPs, which I know was hard, and informed my family what was going on.  The ER doctor brought in a portable ultrasound machine to the room.  He could not see well on it so he ordered an ultrasound to be done in the lab by the techs that usually do them.  At this point I had to ask for something for the pain.  The bleeding was not slowing down.  I was worried I was going to have to have a transfusion.  They wheeled me to the ultrasound lab and did a vaginal ultrasound.  The tech hurt me so bad, even on morphine.  I don't even know what she saw.  I heard them say something about two sacs, but was so out of it I didn't process it then.  My labs came back that my HCG was still high, however that is common in a miscarriage in the beginning and with the possibility of twins that number didn't mean much.
I waited for a few hours while the bleeding slowed a little.  My doctor came in to see me.  He told me it was a possible miscarriage, but he still wanted to err on the side of caution because of the possibility of twins and because it was such an early stage in pregnancy.  (6 weeks, 1 day)  He wanted me to have labs drawn the next day and to come see him to check on the bleeding.  My husband took me home that night and I just went right to bed.
The next day we went back to the doctor and had labs drawn and they did another ultrasound.  It did look like there were two sacs, but it was clear they weren't at the stage they should be at 6 weeks, 2 days.  There should have been at least a fetal pole, and in most cases a heartbeat at this stage.  Neither sac showed that.  To me that was confirmation enough, but the doctor wanted to follow up with labs on Monday.  He took me out of work until that appointment and told me just to rest.  I was to continue my meds until told otherwise.  I went through the weekend a zombie mostly.  I just was numb.  I knew my IM was very upset and I felt like I failed them.
Monday's appointment came and the numbers fail way down, which meant miscarriage for sure.  I thought the doctor might suggest a D&C but he didn't.  He told me just to come back in two weeks for a followup.  I am still a little down, but I guess I knew that this was a risk going into this.  I just didn't think it would happen to me.  Afterall I've had three healthy children.  I keep telling myself what I know is facts, that IVF is called a crapshoot for a reason.  My body isn't naturally getting pregnant, so it's of course going to try and reject something foreign.  My OB told me that 60 percent of these pregnancies end in miscarriage.  That is a pretty high statistic.
Moving forward... the goal now is for me just to rest and get back to my normal self.  The doctors would like me to have a normal menstrual cycle  before we try to proceed again.  They say there is no reason why we shouldn't try again, so I feel okay with it.  I know many people would probably give up now, but I just feel like this is going to work.  For now we are all just taking a breather and waiting.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

1st Beta In!!!!!!!!!

So we got the results of our first blood beta test.  The levels were 103 meaning for sure PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  My IPs and I are all so happy!!!!  I can't wait to give them this precious gift!  I have to go back tomorrow morning to do another beta to make sure that my levels are rising.  My estimated due date is April 17!  This would put me at 4 weeks and 1 day pregnant.  I will probably have an ultrasound done around 7 weeks and another around 9 weeks.  At that time, the RE will release me to my regular OB.  I should be able to stop meds around that time as well.  Since my body didn't go the natural route to get pregnant I still have to take progesterone supplements 3 times daily, and estradial injections twice weekly.  I will be glad to say buy to all of them when it is time!!!!
So what am I feeling now?  Happiness, nervousness, and all the inbetweens.  I am so happy for my IPs!  I think that I am actually more nervous about doing something wrong through this pregnancy than i was with my own children.  I am so going to take advantage of my lovely husband Mike through all of this.  HAHA!  "Mike could you get me something to drink please?  Honey, I can't take out the trash, it's too heavy.  Would you get it?"  He is going to hate it LOL!

Saturday, August 6, 2011


I bet that some of you are wondering what POAS means.  It means Pee on a Stick.  LOL that is all that is on my brain these days so I thought it would be appropriate to name this blog entry that.  So anyways... A few days ago I started feeling a bit nauseous.  I was trying to hold out until the blood test to know any results, but I couldn't help myself.  So... two days ago, when I was 7dp3dt (seven days past a three day transfer), I decided to POAS.  I thought it was possibly too early but what the hell.  So I anxiously waited for three minutes to pass... and there it was.  TWO LINES.  The second one was still faint, but it was there.  So this made me a little nervous and I went and bought more tests.  Since then I have taken six tests.  (today I am 10dp3dt)  All of them have had faint lines there.  I am guessing this means I'm preggers, but I'm still scared to say it for sure.  We have and HCG level test Tuesday and the second on Thursday.  The second one is to make sure my levels are increasing.  So HOLY COW this is really happening.  There is so much running through me head right now, but mainly I am just excited for my IPs.  I know they really want this, and really deserve this.  Tuesday and Thursday can't get here soon enough!!!!  My IM knows I took tests but said she wasn't sure she wanted to know the results.  I want to tell her sooooooo bad!!!!!!  Updates to follow...

Friday, July 29, 2011


Well we are back home after my transfer yesterday.  Everything went well.  We got to the clinic after lunch.  They had me drink tons of water so that my bladder was "uncomfortably full."  While I was drinking the embryologist came in and talked to us.  She said there were 4 good embryos and suggested that we transfer three.  It was a decision all of us had to sit down and make.  We ended up deciding on two to stay on the side of safety.  Having triplets isn't an option my IPs or I want to get into.
So after that a nurse did an ultrasound to see if my bladder was full.  She then let the doctor know that I was ready for transfer!  My IM came in the room with me.  We had a picture of the embryos to look at and the actual ultrasound screen.  It was not painful at all.  It was a little uncomfortable much like a pap smear.  The two embryos were implanted!!!!  It was so quick.  I think I was expecting it to take a lot longer.  I am just trying to take it easy since yesterday.  I feel great though!!!!  Pregnancy tests are scheduled for Aug. 9 and 11.  I am crossing my fingers everything works out!!!!!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Transfer Time

Well we got the call today... 4 perfect embryos and transfer is tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!  Mike and I are in a hustle trying to get stuff together for the trip.  We are going there in the am.  Transfer will be after lunch and then I am going to relax in the hotel and watch movies and order take out.  I am so excited!!!!! 

My IPs will be able to watch the embryos being planted in my uterus through a camera.  They will also get pics of the little embies.  I am so excited for them and praying hard that everything works out!!!!!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

2nd big shot!

Mike just had to give me my 2nd big shot.  This is the estrogen shot I have to do twice a week.  It is a big needle!  The other injection I have to do is Lupron, but it is a small needle in the side of my leg.  Compared to the other shot, the Lupron is nothing!  I guess the saying "no pain no gain" is what I need to think about with all of this!
I am still feeling okay, but am starting to get a little moodier.  I got off work today at 2.  I had picked up some lunch because I was starving and had a huge headache.  Mike was in a horrible mood because he worked night shift last night and the kids hadn't let him sleep barely any.  I ate but my head still hurt and the boys were running around acting crazy.  Mike couldn't sleep and my head was pounding.  When Mike got up to get ready for work I said "Peace out I need therapy."  I got in my car and drove to CVS.  I loaded myself up with hair dye, nail polish and chocolate.  Every woman's perfect de-stressing tools!  LOL!  When I got home I was fine and now my hair and toes look great too:)  The chocolate is still sitting on my counter and will probably be my dinner.  I worked with the boys on some school stuff.  Grayson is working on addition problems and Koulston is working on finding shapes.  Aubrey took off with a pencil and paper and I think she was drawing the dogs because she kept saying "pup pup."  All in all it was fun and it got me over my grumpiness.

Friday, July 8, 2011


Today I had to work all day.  It was a looooooonnnnnnnngggggg day, but I like my job.  Just recently I reduced my hours from full time to part time.  I also transfered from one branch to another.  This has allowed me to be home more with my children, and I think will work well for going through this surrogacy journey.  I'm the type of person who can't not work or being doing something to further challenge myself.  I recently just completed my bachelor's degree and am itching because I feel like I am forgetting to do something for school!  I'm 27 and have never not been in school until now!  I will be starting my Master's degree program in Sept. but for now I feel a little lost. Like do I just go to work and come home and have absolutely nothing to do for school????  It is weird to me. 
I feel empowered by taking the journey into surrogacy.  The IPs I am working with are such wonderful people. They have battled infertility for a long time and are a truely amazing couple.  I can't wait to help them make their dreams come true!  There really is no greater feeling in the world then holding your child for the first time.  I remember when Grayson was born.  Mike and i were so young and so nervous.  He came out and the nurses took him across the room to be cleaned off and suctioned.  Mike followed so I was a little calmer, but all I wanted was to see this thing that I had carried for nine months... this thing that was supposed to change my life forever.  Mike got to pick Grayson up first.  He brought Grayson over to me, all bundled up, and I finally got to hold my firstborn.  Holding him, and looking at his big eyes, I realized what unconditional love was.  I mean there isn't anything in this world I wouldn't do for my children.  In that moment I thought to myself this child will never cross the street alone, he'll never drive a car by himself, I will never let him out of my sight!!!  My love was just so intense.  I didn't want anything to happen to him.  As we approach Grayson's 7th birthday, and have two other children, I am a little less overprotective.   (Grayson still tells me to leave him alone)  I guess my whole point on the matter is, I want to give someone else this experience.  I want them to have this over consuming love, and I can't wait to make it happen for them.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Beginning our Journey

So many people ask me about why I decided to be a surrogate.  The answer really is simple.  I'm a mother who loves her children and wants to help another family have that same feeling.  I'm not a baby seller or some crazy woman with a pregnancy fetish.  I really just want to help.  People want to talk about money.  Well yeah there is money involved, but that is for the pain and suffering my body goes through due to taking meds and going through pregnancy.  It takes a toll on my body and my family.
I've found most people don't really understand surrogacy.  There are two different types and many different routes that surros take.  I will discuss the type of surrogate I am first.  I am a gestational carrier.  This means that none of my biological makeup is used.  I carrier an embryo for someone else.  My eggs are not involved in the process.  Yes this means I could go to the hospital in labor and freak all the nurses out by having a black or asian child.  I think that would be awesome!  They would be looking at my DH going WTH!!!!  Anyways... the other type of surrogate is a traditional surrogate.  This type of surrogate uses her own eggs and gets artificially inseminated with someone else's semen.  It is less common as it is risky legally for both sides.  I personally couldn't be a traditional surrogate because I really would feel like I was giving away my own child.
The routes us surros can take can be through an agency or independent.  I researched all options and see pros and cons with both.  For my first journey I have decided to go indy.  Both parties have their own attorneys and we work things out amongst ourselves.  In my opinion it is a lot more personable.
So how does matching work?
Many people go through an agency to get matched but with an indy journey the matching process is a little harder.  I talked with many couples and IPs (Intended Parents) in surrogacy forums online before matching with the perfect couple.  For all purposes of this blog my IPs will remain anonymous.  We met and all four of us connected.  (them and Mike and I)
After matching we had to get through screening.  It was a tedious process of gathering medical records, going out of state for blood work and an ultrasound, psych evaluations, MMPI test for me, testing for DH, etc... I ended up having to go through surgery because a polyp was found during my saline sonogram.  That was about a month ago.  We are finally all through with screening!  The next step was our contracts.  It wasn't really that bad but we all had to make sure we were all protected.  We started BCPs (birth control pills) and then Lupron.  Both are to stop me from ovulating.  As of yesterday after my baseline ultrasound and blood work I started actually med cycling!  This involved a lower dosage of Lupron,  (which is a shot in my leg) Estradial valerate (a really big shot) and baby aspirin.  I go for blood work next week to make sure the estrogen levels are where they need to be.  I will be going to my clinic on the 19th for an ultrasound that will determine when the embryos need to be pulled for thaw.  Transfer will probably be at the end of the month.  We did a mock transfer at one of my screening appointments.  It involves pushing this catheter looking thing through my uterine wall.  Honestly it didn't really hurt.  It was just uncomfortable like a pap smear.
So far I am feeling okay.  I am a little moodier due to the estrogen, but I feel okay.  My husband has to give me all my shots because I just can't look at the needle.  I think he thinks it is funny to shoot me up.  LOL!
I will try to keep this blog updated on my journey.  I am hoping the first time will be a success!